Better Together

After all that's happened, my happiest days and my saddest moments -the fire inside me has been rekindled. The hubby and I are trying to add to the list of "us adventures" by spending the whole day together doing nothing particularly special except being together. We realize everything in our life is just better when we are together.

Better Together

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographsWith sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together


~ Jack Johnson

Blessed

Today my dad took me to the temple to be blessed. While I was there, the monk offered me some spiritual guidance and advice on life. One of the things he told me was that all great marriages include conflict. This just means the couple is trying to get it right. He told me I had to face my fears and insecurities if I wanted to grow as a person. But most importantly change the way I respond to people. I am going to try my best to make amends and work on my relationships with not only my husband but my mother and the other important people in my life.

I'd like to be able to say that after this week, my irrational behavior is no more. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. I'm still learning to manage my anger, cope with stress and pull myself out of depression. After looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the most supportive family a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally damaged and strong-willed mother and the biological father who abandon me. I have to face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage. But that's the strange beauty of it. Marriage is full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together -- and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

Limbo

Within one week, I've managed to destroy everything important in my life. My uncontrollable rage has left me physically and emotionally scarred. My relationship with my mother and my husband is damaged. I am not sure if they can be fixed. All I know is that I feel very hopeless and alone right now. My husband is on vacation visiting his family some 3,000 plus miles away while I am here in the depths of depression. He is in equal pain or so he says. I just can't sense that with the stone cold tone in his voice. I don't know if this is the end. Maybe this is grief or pain or whatever it is they call it. Language always falls short of describing this type of misery. But I want to numb it. I want to be lobotomize so I can have dissociative amnesia. That way I won't have to remember or relive all the painful memories all over again. He will return home to a broken home...literally...I have torn to shreds all of our pictures and broken things that would remind me of us. I am left wondering if I can pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together again. Everything is such a mess...

Vows

“May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn’t live a day without you” - Leap Year